It has been at least a week since I have cried, Jude has been doing so well and this has all become oddly normal.  But as he laid between ty and I last night I found myself wondering how long his little body has known pain.  He was about 2 months past his 3rd birthday when he was diagnosed.  I can remember for at least a short time before his diagnosis he complained of leg pain, but how long was it there before he felt the need to complain. 
He's not a kid that craves attention, even now when he complains of pain I have to be careful how I react or he will say the pain is gone.  I can hear him now, "my head hurts, but it will get better", it seems as though he is always trying to assure me he is fine. 
Thankfully this week I cant seem to remember any complaints of pain, which is why I found myself crying tonite.  Is he truly without pain, or is his body just so familiar with pain that he hardly notices.  I find myself wondering what it feels like to live inside his body.  I will never know, and he will never be able to tell me.  And honestly, he will not likely remember.  These years will pass and they will barely be a memory for him, and the pain will be gone.  But for now he must go through these years, and I pray that he would be without pain.  I pray that the complaint free weeks are because he is truly pain free.   And I pray that when he looks back on his childhood he will see it as every child should, as a carefree time of great joy.